Avoidant Daters

Avoidant daters are singles who don’t date at all, even if the opportunity comes along. One reason a man or woman chooses not to date is time. For example, some people feel that between work, school, family, church, and friends, they just don’t have any time for the dating game. Another reason one might date is because it isn’t appealing to them. Some people just flat out aren’t interested in dating at the certain points in their lives. There are also those who aren’t allowed to date. Some parents have ruled that their children can’t date until they reach a certain age. Besides all of these reasons one might not date, there is always the fact that some people simply don’t get the opportunity, even if they are interested. Dating takes two individuals, and for some, the other half just hasn’t come into the picture quite yet.

Intermittent Daters

Intermittent daters are men and women who don’t purposefully seek relationships, but if the opportunity comes they will take it. Such daters have other priorities in their life that they don’t mind keeping first over dating relationships. I saw a woman whose story was on the news recently about this very thing. She was a confident individual who felt she can live her life with or without a partner and be happy with herself, however never denying the fact that she would like a partner. Intermittent daters believe that in the right timing, fate will take its, so there is no need in vigorously seeking relationships.

Casual Daters

Casual daters are individuals who find dating as something fun to do, some even look at it as being a hobby. For example, some men and women date many different people, and do so often. These type aren’t necessarily looking for a serious relationship with anyone at this point; but just want to experience the fun and excitement comes with the dating process. Long term commitment is never on the casual daters mind.

Serious Daters

Serious daters are those who are dating with one soul purpose; to find their life partner. These daters have come to the point in their life where they are done fooling around being avoidant, intermittent, and casual daters, and they are prepared for the next big step in life. When I entered my relationship with M, I knew I was entering a serious relationship. I believe that M had the same intentions as well. And dating seriously doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t fun. As the relationship grows longer and deeper, marriage is often brought up in the conversations. Such a partnership has the potential of marriage, and that is exactly what the serious dater is looking for. I am happy to find it worked for M and I!

Dating Addicts

Besides these positive methods of dating, there is one form that can be very harmful to a dater. Dating addicts are those who have become so dependent on having another person in their life that they must constantly be in a relationship to feel like a whole person. These daters often have low self-esteem and try to fill that void by sharing a bond with someone else. I have known a girl for several years who this describes perfectly. Having started dating at a young age, she doesn’t know how to function as an self-confident individual. Moving quickly and painfully from one hurtful relationship to the next has become the common trend in her dating experience, as with most dating addicts. Dating addicts often get caught in this vicious cycle that leaves no heart unharmed.

Avoidant, intermittent, casual, and serious dating are for different individuals at different stages of life which can be considered, for the most part, healthy ways of approaching dating. Dating addiction, on the other hand, can be harmful if not recognized and measures are taken to break the pattern. Dating will likely continue being a prominent way of mate selection for most singles. Some helpful advice; choose wisely, and know your purpose in dating. Try to remove yourself from your current situation and see it from someone else’s eyes. You may find that your current relationship, or lack of, is a positive or negative thing. And just remember to do what is right for you.

Please post a comment and tell us the technique you currently are using or what you have used in the past.

B keeps me sane and on track. I really couldn’t make it through life without her and I love that fact. Marriage is when two individuals become one. Marriage is the best because I get to live with my best friend, do fun stuff with my best friend, and live life everyday with my best friend. I can talk to B about anything I want to and I know that she is listening and evaluating everything I say. These verbal and nonverbal actions speak volumes to me.

Decision making in our relationship is sometimes hard. I want to do stuff that B wants to do and she wants to do stuff that I want to do. Here is a typical exchange we might have while deciding on a place to eat.

Me: Where do you want to eat at babe?
B: It doesn’t matter to me; I want to eat where you want to eat.
Me: No, you pick; I want to eat where you want to eat.
B: I don’t care; you pick a place.
Me: I don’t care either.
B: Just pick something.
Me: I can’t think of anything. Give me the three places you want to eat at.
B: Taco Bell, Chipotle, or that good Mexican place.
Me: I knew you would pick those. Which one do you want?
B: I don’t care! You told me to pick three places! Now you pick one of the three.
Me: [this is me acting like I am thinking and driving to Taco Bell] Let me think.[Arrival at Taco Bell]
B: Yesssss! Taco Bell!

One thing I have learned while dealing with decision making is that I always wanted B to make the decision. What I didn’t realize is that deep down inside, B wants me to make the decision and she will like my decision regardless. She just wants me to make a decision. I have struggled with this because I have always wanted B to have or get everything she has ever wanted and I want nothing less than that. I want to bless her over and over again. I would rather do something she wants to do and not enjoy it as much as I would have enjoyed doing something I truly wanted to do. That may sound weird to some of you guys and gals reading this but it is true.

I recall from a past conversation that we have had that she really wants me to be the decision maker of the household. I agree with that to some extent, but I truly want to bless B every chance I can. B feels blessed when I make a decision. I know she is blessed by other things, but I am trying to stick with this idea of a supporting woman in the lives of men.

Wives need to encourage their husbands during the happy and sad times. I love it when B pushes me to work harder when I am down and out about a paper that is due for my Masters program. Her encouragement fires me up and renews my desire to do the best job I can and do it for B and us. B’s support means the world to me. Some women reading this are saying “I am not going to support my husband on issue X because it is a bonehead idea and it won’t work.” I am not saying that you have to be a push over and do whatever your husband says. You need to let your husband fall flat on his face a few times and get back up. That builds character, wisdom, and integrity.

I think Einstein said it best when he said “The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results.” You may have to smack him upside the head when he is doing something over and over again, but be supportive about it. Don’t say “I told you it wouldn’t work! Why didn’t you listen to me?” Just love him and help him bandage the wounds. Don’t tear them and make them worse with belittlement. Be supportive of your husband and it will speak volumes to him in the long run and his love for you will grow deeper and stronger.

There is a saying that my Pastor says often and that is “Behind every good man is a better woman.” I know that is true for a fact and I would venture to say that it is true in most marriages. I know B would say that I make her a better person and I say that she makes me a better person. That is one decision that I am happy that I don’t have to make! Have a blessed day and go support your mate!

Let’s face it, women are wired completely different than men! Our brains work differently. We think and do things differently. Our physical make up is different. But these are all good things! We were made to be compliments to one another. Generally speaking, women tend to be more emotional than men. This is nothing new to us. However, when a woman starts getting “moody,” they easily get labeled a five-letter word and men give it no further thought.

This is not a men-bashing article. If anything, I want to help men and women better understand their wife’s (or own) emotions. I want to use some personal experience from M and I’s relationship. First of all, M and I rarely fight. But when we do, it seems that I am almost always the cause of it. M would never accuse me of this, but I know it’s true. How? Because every time we fight, its because I am an emotional wreck.

For example, this weekend I got home from school, M got home from work, and we were fixing supper together. Sounds fun, right? It was, until we started sarcastically teasing each other, which we do often and usually it doesn’t bother me. It was all out of fun. But for some reason, words that were exchanged suddenly struck a nerve with me, and I instantly started boiling inside. It only progressed from there. M thought we were still joking around, and each thing he did hurt me even more. The ultimate offense was when he gave our dog something to play with that I had thrown away. When I found it on the floor, I picked it up, apparently yelled “you stupid idiot” (we don’t swear) while throwing the object at him and ran out into the garage, crying.

So what was I feeling at this point? First of all, I was cold. Our garage isn’t heated. Second, I couldn’t understand why on earth I went from having fun to instantly freaking out. I sat in the garage a long time, not to punish M and wonder when he’d come get me, but to punish myself. I felt so stupid. I had never gotten that crazy on M before. And what was even more bothersome was that there was no reason for it. To this day, I still can’t understand what happened to make me so upset. So finally after “calming” down, I swallowed my pride and went back into the house.

M was probably feeling pretty lost at this point. But to be honest, so was I. Was it a combination of stress, hormones, and built up emotion that caused the explosion? I really don’t know. And the sad thing was, my emotional state lasted all weekend. Friday was the explosion, Saturday I was weepy and doubting M wanting to be with me, and Sunday I was down and slept nearly half the day. There was no reason for me to doubt M’s love for me, or to be depressed. But I was.

I definitely don’t mean this to be depressing. I just want to tell men that it really is true; understanding a woman’s emotions is nearly impossible, even for women! I can’t even understand it myself. When M asked me what was wrong, I seriously couldn’t give him a reason. But as with everything else, it will pass. So just stick it out and remember that the woman you married is still under those death-stare or tear-filled eyes. And lots of hugs and reassurance that you still love us helps too.

B wants to hear me say “I love you.” I think all women in a serious relationship need and want to hear this often. I know it is very important to say it in marriage. Don’t just say it once a day because you feel you need to say it. That will water the phrase down and make it less meaningful. Love is a key word in marriage and in serious relationships. It is nothing to play around with. Men, you have to mean it every time and want to say it. You may need to do some serious soul searching and reflection if you don’t feel like saying it to your wife.

B likes it when I serenade her with a song. This is a funny want that maybe only B wants to hear. She loves it when I make up a song about her or about us that I make up as I go. We laugh and giggle throughout the song. I may take the tune of Amazing Grace and run with that beat and let the thoughts and words flow. We love to have fun together and I feel that is the key. Try it sometime. Make up a funny love song and drop it on your wife when she is least expecting it. I used to do it a lot and I know she misses it and I will do it again.

I like to call B my Wife. When I introduce her, I say “This is my wife, B.” Most of you reading this are saying “Well duh…” right now. This isn’t my point. I know B would love to have me say it like this, “This is my bride, B.” It sounds so neat and elegant. I like to call her “My beautiful babe!” Women need to be reassured that you are still crazy for them even if you don’t always show it out on your sleeves. Men tend to hold emotion inside and protect it. Women wear it on there sleeves, necks, shoes, and so on. They live and breathe emotions. I am going to try and start saying “This is my bride B.” You could add the words wonderful, beautiful, awesome, loving …etc in the phrase. Men that aren’t married could replace the word bride with girlfriend. Introducing your wife/significant other to somebody like this will make her feel loved and know that you truly believe in what you say.

Women want to hear a simple phrase of “thank you.” Your wife does a lot around the house and she needs to feel like it is all good and that it means something to you. I love it when B irons my shirts. It means a lot to me. She does a great job! I always try and say thank you to her. Saying thank you tells your wife that you appreciate them and care for them. B does so much around the house and it makes me feel so good. Why wouldn’t I want to make her feel good by thanking her? I think men also need to help their wives with chores around the house. I will save that for another post on another day. Bless you wife often and you will find that she will want to bless you back. The blessings become circular it will grow your relationship.

The bottom line is that communication is the key to a strong relationship! Ask your wife what she needs to hear more often from you. Tell her what you need to hear more often from her. Communication is a two-way street. You will find that your love will grow for each other as you both do and say little things that mean the world to each other. What things does your wife want to hear from you? Share them in the comments so we all can learn and get ideas.

The five phrases a woman needs to hear often:

I think you’re beautiful. It doesn’t matter how high a woman’s self-esteem is, these words are needed and desired by every woman in a committed relationship. Just because you said it when you were first dating, or on your wedding day, doesn’t give you a free pass to never say it again. I find that the longer I am married to M, the more I want to hear him tell me I’m beautiful. It builds confidence and lets me know that he still finds me to be attractive. A sure sign that you are not saying this phrase enough is if your girlfriend or wife continually asks, “Do you think I look fat?” or something to that effect. In many cases, I believe that women who ask the question are really asking, “Do you think I’m beautiful?” Our culture teaches us that looks mean a lot, and reassurance from our man that he likes the way we look means volumes to us. So trust me guys, this one will never get old to us. So say it!

I’m listening. It seems like guys have a hard time with this one. Blame it on the wiring of their brains, or whatever, but it is hard to grab a guys full attention in a lot of cases. If men really want to knock a woman’s socks off, just listen! Turn off the radio or the TV when we start talking to you. Look us in the eyes. And most of all, don’t jump in with your advice one minute into the conversation. I know that my husband seems to have a solution for everything, whether I am looking for a solution or not. A lot of the time, women just want to vent a little bit. We want to know that our feelings are being heard. So don’t jump in with your advice right away, but instead listen to us.

It’s going to be alright. A reassuring word means a lot, and even more so when accompanied with a little cuddling. On days that I wish God would take me to my eternal home, M usually has a way of calming me down again. We women can get really emotional at times. I know there are times that I can start crying for basically no reason. And there are times that there is good reason. Those feminists out there would probably hate to hear me say this, but women want to know they’ll be taken care of. It has nothing to do with being a so-called weaker sex. It is simply a basic need, shared by all people, men and women alike. So if your spouse is going through a tough time, give them a big hug and tell them everything will be alright. And believe it or not, we’ll believe you.

What can I do to help? Such a statement says a lot about your relationship with your partner. If a man is asking you about what he can help you with, you can rest assured he sees you as an equal partner and knows you shouldn’t be the one doing everything on your own. It means a lot to me when M is willing to ask if he can help me with anything. He realizes we are both equally busy with life, and I can’t keep up with the housework as easily on my own versus tackling the chore together. This statement doesn’t only apply to housework either. If you are going through a tough time, a good man will not only notice, but will care enough to ask what he can do about it. That’s when the tendency of men to be problem-solvers comes in handy. Men that are willing to put themselves at our disposal will find a fond place in our hearts.

I love you. Okay guys, if you haven’t gotten this one down already, good luck! Don’t just assume that we know that you love us. Sure, it is important to show love through your actions, but hearing it from your lips makes it complete. If these words are said sincerely, they will never get old to us.

I hope this advice, coming from a wife myself, will help all you men out there know what you should be saying often to remind the women in your lives of your love and commitment. If you want more ideas on how to keep your ladies happy, I suggest you read M’s post on How to Keep Your Relationship Healthy With Your Wife.

Women need to be loved through thick and thin.
Men, love your wife no matter how bad you screw up or your wife screws up. We all make mistakes! That is the way God made us! Love is the cement that holds your relationship together. I have noticed that B really needs to be loved when she is going through tough times. She may have had a bad day at school or work and just needs that big hug with an “I love you” attached. Don’t get mad at your wife when she is all down and out about her day. I used to get upset because her attitude would bring mine down. I have learned that men need to go down to that emotional level with their wives and help bring them back up. Don’t leave your wife in that lonely, cold spot of feeling down and out. It will speak volumes to her when she realizes you care about how she feels and the two of you will grow stronger in each other.

Women need to be surprised and pampered.
Men, nothing says “I love you” like a thoughtful surprise. Find something that she would never expect and do it. Take her on a car ride through some scenic area to see the fall leaves and have a picnic somewhere together. Women don’t always need flowers and a diamond to be surprised. Don’t get me wrong though, women do love diamonds and flowers. I am lucky with B. She would rather go out to eat and have fun then have me spend money on something as temporary as flowers. I know for a fact though that a surprise of flowers for no reason is a good thing also. Catch your wife off guard and do something spontaneous and exciting. Get her a massage somewhere. Stretch your wife’s comfort zone and she will enjoy it. I took B to a weekend of fun for a one-year anniversary. She talked about it here. I picked everything out for the weekend and she knew nothing about it. She knew that we were going away for the weekend and that I had planned everything. I planned a Segway tour and a stay in a really nice hotel. She was really freaked out when we showed up to the Segway tour. She will be the first to admit that it was a great weekend! Surprise your wife! Rub her feet with some cool lotion or draw her a bath after a long day at work. She will love you for it and it will strengthen your relationships with each other.

Your wife needs to feel secure.
Women need to feel secure in their marriage. This ranges from finances, to a roof over her head, to protection, and etc…. Love also creates a secure feeling. I am a bit bigger than the average guy and I am a lot bigger than my wife. She loves the fact that I am a big teddy bear. It comforts her when I give her a big hug. I am not saying that you have to go out and get hugely overweight or workout a ton to get bigger. That is just one way my wife feels secure. Some women like to run the finances and maybe that is a good thing for some men. There are all sorts of ways to make your wife feel secure in your marriage and strengthen your marriage and relationship.

You wife may just want to have fun.
Men, don’t be dull and boring in your relationship. Do fun stuff together that will draw you closer together. I love it when B has fun and laughs. It makes me feel good when we can laugh together and enjoy each others company. I know she enjoys it as well. Having fun in a relationship is key to making it last. Don’t let the “fun well” go dry. It is harder to fill it when it is empty. Continue to fill it at all times and your relationship will always be fun and the fun will never run dry.

Help your wife with the household chores.
This one may hurt, men. Surprise your wife by cleaning the floors while she is away. Clean the bathroom on your own without her asking you. I am of the mindset that men should help with these household chores anyways. I do struggle with it at times though. Doing these things blesses your wife in so many ways. I know I mentioned drawing a bath for your wife before, but draw a bath and then clean the floors or do the dishes or do anything that would bless her and make her feel loved and appreciated. Have her put her feet up and you vacuum or play with the kids (if you have them). There a so many things that you could do for her. Little things go a long way!

I could go on and on about things to do to keep your relationship healthy and on fire for each other. Keep a list of these ideas and try and incorporate them into your home life. You will notice that your wife will want to return the favor sometimes. Bless your wife and she will want to bless you. Healthy marriages are import in today’s world. It is important for your kids and for yourselves. The divorce rate is so high these days. Lets turn that statistic around, men!

Fell free to leave as many comments as you want or send us a message. I want to hear other ideas from other men and women out their. I would like to make this a resource for happy, healthy marriages. A healthy marriage is a life long journey.

I have chosen to participate in ProBlogger’s Group Writing Project again with this post. Swing on by and check it out.

UPDATE: My wife wrote an entry on Five things a Woman Needs to Hear to Fall in Love. It is a good read!

It’s hard to believe that M was able to keep a secret from me for as long as he did. Usually he’s the one who can’t wait to open Christmas presents, so we open them a week early. When he gets excited about something, he usually wants to tell me right away. So when the day came we were leaving for our anniversary trip, and I still hadn’t heard a peep about what we were doing, I was pretty impressed. The only thing M had informed me was that I would never be able to guess one of the activities he had planned. It was so exciting to be going somewhere and have no clue about where we were going to stay and what we were going to do.

We drove a couple hours to our first destination, and M was right, I never would have guessed what we would be doing! He had planned a three hour segway tour around our destination city. To be honest, I was really skeptical at first. I knew M was Mr. Technology and it didn’t surprise me the activity he had planned. But soon after we got comfortable on our segways and touring the city, it turned out to be such a blast! We drove on bike trails around the river, crossed bridges, toured a little bit of the city, and had a little off-roading time. It was so much fun! Afterwards, I had to apologize to M for being a little unsure about the whole segway thing, because it turned out to be a great time. It was one of those things that I would never choose to do for myself, but M broke me out of my comfort zone and I actually found it to be enjoyable. It was really fun being able to enjoy a new experience together.

At this point, we still hadn’t checked into our hotel. M told me he had reserved a room at a hotel that was on an island in the middle of the river. Hearing that alone sounded exciting! And as soon as we walked into the hotel, I knew he had to have paid a pretty penny for it too! It was very ritzy. Our room was really fancy. It had a Sleep Number bed in it, and we had fun playing with that. We both set our sides to zero and woke up with backaches, but it was a blast. I never would have chosen to stay at a hotel that nice, but it was just another new experience for us to have together, and I was so impressed that he was able to pick something so nice and special for the weekend.

On top of that, we ate at new places and went for a walk downtown in the city, which was a place I had never been. There were so many unique places that I had never seen before.

The next morning before we left the hotel, M had planned a five-course brunch for us to go to. This, by far, was the biggest stretch for me. I was not used to being served such elegant food in such an elegant setting. It was one of those situations in which you don’t know which fork to use. Despite the fact of feeling a little awkward, I enjoyed it very much.

M and I exchanged cards. Of course, I started crying before I even started to read the one he got for me. He had totally blown me away with what he had planned for the weekend, and the fact that he picked everything out himself made me feel so special. The weekend was just about as magical as our wedding day. Everything seemed so new and exciting, and even more exciting because I was experiencing it with the man I love. I wouldn’t trade that weekend with him for any gift we could have bought for each other.

If you’ve got a special day coming up, I’d definitely consider having a surprise getaway. It definitely won my heart all over again. There is nothing better than making memories with the person you love. Trying new things together will only draw you even closer. And who knows, maybe you’ll start a tradition! Maybe next year I’ll be the one surprising M. There are so many possibilities besides buying gifts. I’m so glad that M looked outside of the box to celebrate our first anniversary together.

My plan for my relationship: My relationship with M, first and foremost, has to be kept Number One. I never want a piece of homework or a call from work to take priority over him. I’m not saying it’s okay to skip studying for a final just to watch a TV show with him, but time with each other is important to me. And I’m not saying I’m going to the extreme of making a literal schedule in which I have to pencil him in. That’s kind of weird, if you ask me. I just want to be sensitive to the amount of time I am spending with my husband. I don’t want to neglect our relationship. Sure, there are times when things really need to get done, possibly for a deadline, but it’s healthy to step away for a break now and then. And even then if M would need me for something, I wouldn’t hesitate to help him. And now that M is back in school, I see the importance of making time for your spouse even more so. Although I’ve been pretty understanding so far about him needing to do schoolwork, there are still times that I wish he would just step back for a couple minutes and give me some attention. And he has been really good about that too. So no matter what school may bring, I’m not going to forget that I have a spouse that needs my attention as well.

My plan for work: It seems like I’ve got about four different jobs I’m balancing at once. I will be starting part-time as a children’s minister at the church soon, which will require much dedicated time. On top of that, I have a job at an assisted living home and a few hours at another senior housing facility. And in March of this year I started selling jewelry at in-home parties, which business has quadrupled since I started. It’s great to be making money and contributing to paying our expenses. However, being a part of the children’s ministry is going to have to be my priority. I’m going to have to cut way back on the hours I take at the assisted-living facility, and maybe even stop doing jewelry parties, although they pay very well. If I don’t make priorities as to what job is more important, I’m going to run myself in the ground with work. Although there might not be as much income coming in, I have to make time for school as well.

My plan for school: I’m just starting my last year as a Biomedical Science major, and I am already overwhelmed. I’ve got a presentation on Diabetes that is to last two class periods due in two weeks. Biochemistry makes me feel like I can’t breathe. My Immunology teacher has never taught a class before and doesn’t have a clue. And I can’t find the book for my Medical Terminology class! I have a lot of work to do! In order to make this semester as easy as possible, I’m making a clear plan for myself. First, every assignment and test coming up for each class is going to be written in the same planner so I can keep everything straight. Next, instead of crashing on the couch when I get home from school like I’ve done in the past, I’m going to work on any assignments that are due in the near future. My motivation for working on assignments right away takes me back to my first plan–my plan for my relationship. The sooner and quicker I get my assignments done, the more time I will have to spend with my husband when he gets home from work. Another great time for me to work on homework is when M is busy doing his own homework, or if he is out mowing the lawn or doing something I can’t be involved in. For example, M will be gone all weekend at Promise Keepers. I decided before he even left that this will be a study weekend. As of now, I’ve already finished a paper that isn’t due until Wednesday, and I’ve started researching for my upcoming presentation. Tomorrow it’s Biochemistry. School should go better if I stick to my plan.

I’m really excited to see how taking the time to write down what I expect of myself is going to affect the way I manage my time. If it works for me, maybe it can work for you too.

I had my own share of people giving me opinions during the three years while M and I were dating. My mother was one of them. Although she didn’t have any problems personally with M, she wanted me to date a lot of different people and get a feel for what was out there since that is what she did before she married my dad. I, however, thought much differently. Although M was the first person I had seriously dated, I had no desire whatsoever to scope out who else was out there.

I remember making a list in Sunday School when I was probably 12 years old. We listed the things we wanted in a spouse someday. I can still remember the top three on my list: a Christian, funny, and cute. My standards were set at a young age and I didn’t pointlessly date someone just for something to do. If my criteria wasn’t met, I knew it wasn’t worth my time.

And this is where M comes in. I knew him, though not in depth, for a few years before we even started dating. I knew he met my top three. And when we started dating, I knew he was exactly what I wanted for my life’s partner. I didn’t have to date twenty different guys to figure it out either. I’m not saying everyone will find their future mate on their first try. It’s not bad having to date a lot of different people. Just make sure you check your motive. Are you carrying out a long relationship just for something to do, or are they spouse material?

So when are you wasting your time dating someone? My brother has been dating a girl for almost a year now, and to be honest, she is not well received by our family. It’s one thing when maybe one or two members of the family can see a possible issue with a relationship, but when you come from a family of ten and everyone can identify it as a destructive relationship, you can only hope it doesn’t end in marriage. I realize I am going out on a limb saying this about my brother’s relationship. Go ahead and give me the comments like “mind your own business” and “he’s old enough to make his own decisions”. I’m going to speak my peace anyways. They most definitely have a destructive relationship, and I say that with no reserves.

With that said, here are some examples of what causes a relationship to head for failure, unless God gets a hold of it:

Control is a major issue. If one partner always in control of the other, it is definitely unhealthy. I realize some people are “strong-willed” by nature, and some are more laid back. But when it gets to the point that one is stalking the other and constantly needing to be with or know where their partner is, take it as a warning. Everyone needs time to themselves, even when you are in a serious relationship.

Another problem is insecurity. If you are not secure in who you are, know ahead of time that the person you are dating is not going to fill the void in your life. Entering into a relationship will not solve the problem, and in a lot of cases will only make it worse. Insecurity and control may even go hand-in-hand. A person who is insecure may become easily jealous and feel like they have to control their partner or else they will lose them.

These are both red flags my family can see in my brother’s relationship. These issues cause them to be fighting all the time. When I look back to M and I’s first year of dating, we never had one fight. The first year should be the easiest and the most fun. You are just getting to know the person and maybe falling quickly in love with them. Fighting shouldn’t even be on the radar. If you find yourself already fighting even though you are in a new relationship, I would tell you to get out of it fast. It won’t get any better.

One thing I find funny is that many people see marriage as being a quick fix for their troubled relationship. I must go back to my brother’s relationship again. His girlfriend keeps telling him that when they get married things will be better. I don’t know where she came up with that idea, but it’s certainly not the truth. And I’m sure anyone who is married can attest to that. Marriage is not a horrible thing, but if you already can’t stand each other while you’re dating, marriage is not the answer to mend the relationship. Don’t believe the lie that marriage makes things better.

My suggestion to anyone in the dating scene is to make a list of things you definitely want in a spouse, and even things you don’t want. Set your standards high so you won’t even consider someone who doesn’t fit your mold. This will save you from getting involved with someone that will only lead to a dead end. You don’t have to date a hundred different people to find The One if you already know exactly what you’re looking for.

Also, use your head, not just your heart. It’s easy when you are in a new relationship to let your emotions carry you away. But remember to be using your head too. Try and be logical about the person you are dating, and be true to yourself about whether they are really marriage material or not. And date only if you are looking for your life partner. What is the point of getting into a long relationship with someone if you’re only going to break it off and end up with broken hearts? Protect yourself.

Finally, try and be sensitive to what people around you are seeing and saying to you. When it comes down to it, it is ultimately your choice on whom you should marry, but if you are hearing from several trusted people that you need to break it off, maybe you should try and see what they are seeing.

Remember that God really has created someone just for you. Play it smart. Pray about it. Don’t jump into anything that doesn’t feel right. You shouldn’t feel like you are compromising when you decide to be with someone. And if you’re like M and I, one day you’ll look back at the road traveled and be pleased with how you grew together as boyfriend and girlfriend into a happy married couple.

I know some of you will say that “it worked just fine for us”! It is true; some people make it work and go on to be happily married for the rest of their lives. I have heard where people make it in some of these above relationships. I have heard the total opposite for a large number of married couples and there are stats to prove it. They think that jumping into marriage will make life better and make their relationship better. It tends to make it worse.

The dating stage in life is a “puppy-love” stage. We have all been there and if you haven’t you will someday. You are on cloud 9 and flying high on “love” and “happiness.” I was there. Your significant other could do no wrong. You could do no wrong in their eyes. Life is good. Time flies by so fast. You may progress through your relationship and think that all is good and nothing could go wrong.

B and I had an awesome relationship throughout our dating, engaged, and now married years. We did go through that stage of puppy-love and all seemed perfect. Of course we had a few minor bumps in the road. No relationship is perfect! The key thing is to learn from issues and conflicts and grow your relationship into a strong and unbreakable bond. Talk about your wishes and wants that you each want in the relationship. Don’t go on in your relationship with someone if your ideals or morals don’t match. Don’t “think” that your significant other wants the same things you do in life. You need to discuss these things in great detail to find out if you match up and that the relationship will grow in the same direction. Some people make it work.

I have always wanted to have kids. I would love to have two boys! B and I never really talked about kids much during the early years of our relationship. I assumed and so did she that we were on the same page when it came to kids. She didn’t want to have any or bring kids into such an unruly and hard world. I agree that it would be tough, but look at our parents. They made it through. Granted, the world is a lot more messed up today than it was in the 1980’s. Of course they said that the world is messed up then to. B said that she either wanted a lot or none about 6 months before we got married. She grew up in a family of ten with 4 brothers and 4 sisters. I grew up in a family of 4 with a sister. I wanted a “couple” of kids and B wanted a lot or none. It was a little hard for me to deal with because inside, I wanted kids but not a lot. I would settle for something in the middle just to have kids. I want to be a Dad. I want to be the Dad for my kids like my Dad when I was growing up. I stuck with our relationship because I loved her and wanted marry her. I am three years older than her and I thought that maybe she would grow into it and would want to have kids someday. I never pushed it and now look what she says.

A good relationship matters because it is the lifeblood of your commitment to each other. I love coming home after a days work and see my wife. I absolutely love it. If it was a rough day, she lights up my attitude and changes my outlook on the day. I wouldn’t enjoy the company of my wife if our relationship was bad or had problems. I would come home expecting home to be like work. Happiness is important when you build your relationship. Work at making each other happy and enjoyable to be around. Figure out what each other’s body languages is or “Love Language” is. We read “The Five Love Languages” as a part of our marriage counseling and it has help me out a lot personally.

A good relationship is really important. You need to figure out what your future husband/wife wants and needs in your relationship. Continue to evaluate your relationship and tweak it and make it alive with fun and excitement. Your relationship needs to be the best it can be to make it in this world today. Relationships are constantly bombarded with TV shows that tell us that we can get a divorce and move on and all is ok. Divorce is not the answer. Love each other and learn from mistakes. A good relationship is a breathing and living thing. Nurture it with love and care and it will grow and become stronger.